12 woman project, Emma
Learning to Live Without the Mask
Since childhood, I have developed a carefully constructed outer persona intended to protect the softer inner me. A tougher me, capable of standing up for myself and holding space in the world. A robust character that I presented to the wider world, shifting and adjusting to suit the dynamic of the environment I was in. I’ve described it as a cloak of rhino hide intended to protect the “real me” while I navigated the world.
With time, it became more than a mask…. It became full-blown armour that was always worn with everyone. It became how I would be perceived by everyone in my life: family, friends, partners, employers. It informed every relationship and how I was described depending on the respective audience at any given time – confident, arrogant, loud, bossy, bolshy, stroppy, brash, blunt. Take no shit.
However, what I didn’t understand at the time is that every description caused me inner distress, but it was not the other party’s fault; they were only describing what I was allowing to be seen. I didn’t understand just how emotionally dysregulated the performance was making me. Triggered, constantly performing, and always on the go, mentally and emotionally life was the proverbial rollercoaster.
A cruel twist of life meant all that was set to change….
Three years ago, a significant loss caused me to pause and take stock. My dear friend passed away. One of the few people who had been privy to the softer side of me, her passing prompted a deep introspective consideration of how I was showing up to the world, to my friends, to my loved ones.
So I leaned into it. I asked myself, if I remove this warrior cloak of armour that I wear every day, what will I discover?
And so began a journey of self-rediscovery. Of being honest with myself. And the reality is I have faced some real personal truths. I have challenged myself to look at my relationships with work, the constant hustle, and the internal directive to be "busy". I am learning to be kinder to myself, less self-critical. I'm learning grace and humility in how I conduct my relationship with myself. I have discovered that, for me, true comfort is found in the quieter life.
I have reflected upon my neurodivergence, and how that has impacted my decision-making regarding my emotional, mental, and physical well-being and health. Understanding the link between ADHD and limerence has helped me recognise my tendency to leap in with both feet whilst adjusting my persona, chameleon-like, to the tone and temperament of the other person. A tendency that has proven to be grossly unfair to both myself and the other person. As a consequence, I am more aware of how to hold a true space for myself in any relationship.
I am learning to be quietly comfortable with myself; building a quieter but positive lifestyle for myself (and my son) is now satisfying and productive, as opposed to being driven by achieving the approval of others. I recognise that achievements are a retrospective awareness of the journey, and the true joy comes in being present rather than constantly seeking the next goal.
In rediscovering me, I don't necessarily feel the need to shed the public persona entirely; it's armour that fits comfortably. However, I can now choose when and where I wear it, and why. I’m learning to live without the mask and am comfortable in knowing that it’s okay to share the real me underneath the mask – the quieter, calmer, dare I say shyer, core of me that is now allowed to be present too.
Emma
I’m learning to live without the mask and am comfortable in knowing that it’s okay to share the real me underneath the mask – the quieter, calmer, dare I say shyer, core of me that is now allowed to be present too.